April was national poetry month

1.
Gritty teeth, cold morning
Dentist tells me as she polishes that
they’re beautiful (my teeth, she means).
Take comfort that dentists nationwide agree
I have excellent teeth.

Later, hand off my chewed-up boots to
Lloyd the cobbler looking skeptical,
come back in three weeks,
he’ll try his best.
Sun is out, weather warming,
I dream of hot summer
days on the river
gritty sunscreen sticking to 
skin sticking to dirt.

2. 

His hands wide, angular

clicking the lighter,
needs almost a stronger word
to describe the action, striking perhaps
two objects creating friction
an act of small violence, release
sparking flame.
A friend, tentative, hesitant
familiarity, too familiar
but I took it anyway
the leap from structured activity
now reasons not to say goodbye
together beside the river.
To have made a good friend,
I worry I’ll lose it.

3.
Soft setting sun
I asked after practice
if he thinks Russia will invade Finland.
Only pausing briefly to think
definitively he says no
tells me of his year in Scandinavia, winter’s eternal night
High density of hockey, public transportation incredible
and his favorite cream puff pastry
he misses the most.
Standing in the parking lot
I glimpse his siblings in his frown
picture him at twelve again,
the way he smiles unchanged.
To no longer know anything about him, but
still a calendar alert for his birthday
each year for a decade,
a date I don’t remember entering.
Light fading, pale pink sky
the promise of full days and summer nights out late
Remembering, feeling
solidness, reliability, routine
Friends again, the honesty and sincerity of him
how it’s always been, childhood to adulthood
eleven to twenty-three
paths cross, divulge, and back again.

4.
Thick clouds parted to show the full moon
a brief window before the curtains close again
House-sitting, I shut the chickens up for the night
low growling sounds they make in warning.
Dogs jump as I enter, feed them in a routine
I witness, a guest looking into a life of reliable comforts
Lonely today I felt
sudden after months of passivity
my friends far away, no one to plan easy trips with
to bypass stilted conversation, wondering if boundaries crossed
wanting to go, no one to go with.
Doomed I am like this I think,
but remember just today I played pickup,
smiled and laughed with teammates
not friends for every occasion
but which friends really are?
To have people in many spaces and corners
know that my community will grow.

5.
The sun is out
my North star
I face the warmth and my problems are solved
or at least smaller.

6.
Bike in the library
can’t have it here
security tells me twice.
I brought my bike lock
but left the keys at home and
didn’t realize until arrival.
Ask for loaner lock
they don’t have any
Furtively bring my bike into the elevator
jump at the sight of library staff.

7.
I was warned about the coldness of Northern Europeans
Aloof, maybe, more reserved than Americans
but on the flight to Helsinki from Amsterdam
a school group in front of me
surely none older than fifteen
round faces and gangly limbs
hands and feet they’ll grow into
chattering across the rows
fidgety and restless in their seats
a total nuisance to everyone around them
but despite the annoyance I can’t help but feel comforted 
that kids are idiots everywhere.

8.

Stockholm, Sweden
Dark grey clouds threaten rain
in front of the Swedish Royal Palace, a lone guard at attention
leaves his post as we watch, crisp steps and movements
So accustomed to the British Royal Guards, forbidden from acknowledging others, that
all I did was stare, as he looked back at me
and smiled
Beg Ellie to come with me and speak to him
Milton his name, twenty-four
Answered all our questions with a soft smile
His humor, wry
I hold up an imaginary microphone
what do you think of Finland, I ask
he shrugs, smiles. Sweden is better, he says.
Likes his job, or at least doesn’t mind it
I wonder what made him join up at twenty-four
instead of the compulsory eighteen
fifteen months instead of the standard ten
It’s our first time in Sweden, I tell him
Weather’s great, he replies.

9.
Helsinki, Finland
Peek into the sauna 
a row of women on either side
Skitter back to Ellie, whisper that
everyone is naked and I’m shy.
I’ll be naked with you, she says
so I strip off my bathing suit
can’t help but look at the other women
relaxed, their lack of self-consciousness I envy
naked the same as not.
Wish I hadn’t grown up with a reflex to hide
but sitting in the heat
fog rolling in from the ocean
swallowing Helsinki for the night
I feel natural, normal
myself another body the same as everyone else.
sink into my skin
present, grounded in community.

10.

Jyvaskyla, Finland

Morning sun through the hostel window
(a big one, floor to ceiling)
first blue sky I’ve seen in Finland.
Sunlight on the walls, cobblestones, the train station
feta cheese pastry and green smoothie breakfast
pull away from Jyvaskyla
last glimpse of JYU campus
the deep, lush forest

the clear, still lake
think about returning in late summer
a place to not only make the best of, not just survive in
but live freely, easily.