In Limbo

I got back to San Diego two days ago. Mostly, I'm relaxed. I don't really know what things to unpack since I'm going to be moving again, to LA, in less than two weeks. I've never moved anywhere within driving distance before, so I might've been overzealous about buying things for my new apartment ahead of time. I was so excited about being spared the hassle of tallying every ounce of weight in my suitcases and boxes to ship across the country, but did I really need a dish rack right now? 

I'm trying to hype myself up about the fact that I'll be driving everywhere soon instead of taking public transit, but the truth is I'm dreading it. Even though the T and the bus could be exasperating to deal with, there was something so comforting about the abdication of responsibility that came with them. The instant acceptance that I'd be late to work if I missed the 8:30 med campus bus, since there was really nothing else to do about it. The many, many naps I took in rush hour traffic on the way home. The way I could get totally lost in a book or devote 100% of my attention to the people and animals on the sidewalk.

I know driving isn't so bad. Audiobooks and podcasts exist. I can obviously still listen to music on my commute. But, even though I've been driving since I was sixteen and I think I'm halfway decent at it, it's still not my preferred way of getting around. I think people are way too casual about the fact that we're operating potential killing machines. I loved being able to turn my brain off during my commutes in Boston. Now I'll have to be "on" long before I get to school in the mornings. Also, in a city with weather as nice as LA has, it feels extra stupid that nothing is walkable.

Another thing I'm mourning, now that I'll be starting school, is my ability to prioritize getting to know the city I'm in. I loved Boston from the moment I got there, but I didn't really know it until my last couple of years, when I really had the time and confidence to explore all the different pockets of it. Law school is going to be so busy and go by so quick, and I'm already feeling overwhelmed by all the exploring I won't have time to do. I know this is probably an ineffectual and unrealistic way of thinking about things, and that it's just going to take some adjusting of priorities. I guess what I'm actually worried about is feeling out of place. And even though I know that's a normal feeling, it doesn't make it any less daunting.

I have some major questions for my future self that maybe I'll be able to answer in a few months: Does it feel weird living in a new place that's not entirely unfamiliar? Has that made it easier or harder to adjust? Does LA feel like an extension of home, or is it distinct? Is there anything that's pleasantly surprised you about living here?

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I'm going on a short trip to New Orleans with my mom next week, and I'm super excited. I've never been before, and my mom has only ever been for work. Live jazz! Vampire lore! Gorgeous cemeteries! Ancient, droopy oak trees! Beignets! I genuinely can't wait.

Teeth, love, and a begrudgingly filled gas tank,

Anika

P.S. -- The songs I've been loving lately:

1. "Creep" by TLC (and the whole Crazysexycool album, tbh)

2. "I'm That Girl" by Beyonce

3. "Tears in the club" by FKA twigs

4. "Tyrant" by Beyonce

5. "Love Is in Control" by Donna Summer