Summer in the City
I'm bracing for the heat wave that starts tomorrow. I hate sweating. I hate when my ears ring after I've been running to catch the bus because of how out of shape I am. I hate being blinded by the sun the second I step out of my building after work. I actually miss the dark evenings in winter when, even with my gloved hands shoved deep in my pockets, I could barely feel my fingers. I wish I'd known it would be my last New England winter at the time.
Law school starts in two months and I don't want to think about it. I feel so ridiculously underprepared. I probably knew more about the U.S. justice system when I was in 11th grade studying for the APUSH exam than I do now. Why do I always throw myself into situations for which I'm clearly not set up to succeed? It reminds me of my junior year of college when I took a graduate-level neurobiology seminar (that I was for some reason allowed to enroll in because it was cross-listed with psych) without ever having taken college-level biology. I was so out of my depth.
Come August, I know I'm going to feel like that again, but on an infinitely larger scale. I'm going to be taking class with people who've done speech and debate or mock trial throughout their academic careers, who've worked as paralegals, who already know the names of the big law firms and what they each specialize in. I'm so grateful for all the support I've gotten through this process but I still feel so inept.
I'm terrified to give up the freedom I have now. I have it so easy, working a job where I can pretty much just read a book six out of eight hours on an average day. I've been able to feel like a real person during this time, exploring my interests and hobbies and checking things off my bucket list. I'm scared of the person I'll become when I'm under intense stress. I feel like I've lost all my academic endurance and discipline. It's going to be such a rude awakening, but I justify my unpreparedness by telling myself these are the last calm months I may ever have, at least for the next several years.
I will say, it's been really interesting to work at a medical school while I'm prepping to go the complete opposite route. Part of my job is working with senior medical faculty to organize workshops for new faculty about how to apply for research funding. I've learned about so many cool topics, from schizophrenia to diabetes to cardiovascular disease, just by being a fly on the wall in these workshops. The doctors I've gotten to work with have also been exceptionally kind. Someone who wanted to go into medicine could've made some really good connections in this job.
While I should probably be ordering textbooks and signing up for health insurance, I know I'm most likely to keep living in ignorant bliss for at least a couple more weeks. So, in that spirit, here is the media I've enjoyed lately:
Book: The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison --- I've never read anything else like it. I think it may be the most impactful and beautifully written book I've ever read.
The only other book of Morrison's I've read is Beloved, but I need to read as many more as I can get my hands on before I start school. This is my most urgent mission at the moment.
Music:
- "On The Street Where You Live" by Nancy Wilson
- "Give Me the Simple Life" by Ella Fitzgerald
- "This Could Be The Start Of Something Big" by Marvin Gaye (Live at the Copa)
- "Just In Time" by Marvin Gaye (Live at the Copa)
- "On The Radio" by Donna Summer
- "Heaven Knows" by Donna Summer
- "Faster And Faster To Nowhere" by Donna Summer
Anika! Sounds like you're experiencing a bad case of IMPOSTOR SYNDROME! Sure, you'll probably have classmates whose parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents are all in law. Sure, some of them have probably been reading law textbooks since kindergarden. But to that I say: so what!!!! The point of school is to learn, not to be better than everyone else! Ineptitude and unpreparedness is the lot of life -- no one escapes it. The best thing you can do is try, and fail, and try again, and fail a little less. Who cares?? Not the people who love you! Channel that Legally Blond confidence! Enjoy your summer!
ReplyDeleteAnika! Good luck with law school this coming fall! That imposter syndrome is such pain, and yet I know they didn't choose you for now reason. That academic discipline and grind mindset aren't always what you need to succeed. Burning the candle at both ends only to watch it all burn up isn't what will get you to the finish line. (At the very least, you don't want to make it to the finish line on empty and collapse right when you get there.) I don't know a whole lot about law school besides the stress and the mock trial, but I do know this. Do it anyway. Do it scared, do it unsure, but most importantly: do it anyway. You made it this far! You got yourself here, and you have an amazing support system behind you! And sure, you'll be missing on the New England winters and the lovely sudden heatwaves, but this new world is your oyster. And in the meantime, enjoy it all. Your summer is not just a countdown; it is still your summer.
ReplyDeleteAnika! It is always so wonderful to read your posts (and get your music recommendations)! Although you may feel unprepared for law school, you really are not. They are lucky to have you! I have also found that just being a participant in life is so much of an educator. I am sure you will be tapping into experiences from this last year that you never expected to use in the context of law school.
ReplyDeleteAlso! I've heard Sula is one of Toni Morrison's best :)
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