At the Crossroads

10 days until I leave Seattle

Last night I spent a few hours sorting through the belongings in my room in preparation for moving out of my current house by the end of this month.. As I packed I realized I own things that I don't wear or use much anymore, and was forced to confront the scarcity mindset I lived with as a kid: "I can still wear/use/keep this", or "What a waste to throw it away." I've kept clothes, notebooks, birthday cards, long past their useful date. They move with me from place to place, dead weight, memories I forget when I don't look at them but feel too sentimental to get rid of when I remember.

I'm trying to harden my heart a little. To be okay with throwing something away, even though I or someone else could still use it. Remind myself that keeping things I don't use is more detrimental to me than it is beneficial to our planet.

But it's a slow process, one I'm glad I'm getting a head start on. I'll be working full-time until the day I drive home to Montana (I wonder if I should bring my mattress and bedframe with me; it will save money for when I move again but will take up both physical and mental space in the meantime. I have more concern for my future self than I do for my present, sometimes). I'll be home for two weeks, and then I'm headed to China...

9 days until I leave Seattle

Leaving for China felt far away until June arrived, and then I was hit with the reality of only having one month left in Seattle. I have to pack, tie up loose ends at work, find short-term housing in Beijing… I no longer get a peaceful night of sleep for thinking about everything I need to do.

My original plan was for my summer internship to be a temporary leave from Seattle. But now, I think I want to leave Seattle permanently. I’m not fond of the weather, and I’m hard-pressed to find anything positive about the city. However… staying in my current job means getting a raise and continuing to make creative content that builds my portfolio. I like my job. But I wonder if the job alone is reason to stay in a place I don’t love.

In short, my fall plans are completely, totally abstract. September is too far away for my current feelings and thoughts to be reliable. What will happen in the next two months that will influence my thinking? How will I change?

I think about the people I’m leaving behind and feel regret; I’ve grown attached to my workplace friendships and all the familiar faces. People with whom small talk is no longer necessary, people I’m starting to connect with more closely. It’ll be hard to start over again in a new town. But isn’t that the beauty of living, that my heart reaches out to yours? That no matter what, we find people to love? I often think of the quote: love doesn’t divide, it multiplies. Meeting new people means my capacity for love expands.

I tell everyone I don’t know what my future looks like, but for today, at least, it sounds like I’ve made up my mind.

8 days until I leave Seattle

Today I was even less confident about leaving Seattle permanently once I got to work and realized how many people I like there. I love working Tuesdays because it’s the first time since the weekend that everyone is guaranteed to be in, and I get to hang out with all of them. Today, though, marks one week until my last day of work, and preemptive grief crept in as I realized how little time I had left in Seattle. It feels too abrupt to say goodbye to everyone forever; it’s so much easier to say “See you in the fall”.

My deepest, rawest fear is being left behind by people I love. I think I overcompensate by trying to be the first to go. I convince myself that maybe it’s better this way, to leave so quickly? Feel as little grief as possible? See everything as it is, not with any nostalgia creeping in. No teary goodbyes or grand gestures. For my last memories of Seattle to be mundane, not spectacular…

I can’t remember what I thought I would miss the most when I left Boston. How long will it take for me to move on this time? Who will I still think about years from now… will they still remember me?

I can’t tell who I’ll miss because I’ll miss them, and who I just don’t want to be forgotten by. Maybe they’re the same thing.