Are We All Metaphorically on The Great British Baking Show?

If I could choose only one descriptor for the way I feel, it would be overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with stress because of the work deliverables and other tasks I have procrastinated, overwhelmed with confusion over the law school (and thus life) decisions I need to make, overwhelmed with gratitude for being in the position to make such decisions, overwhelmed with uncertainty over whether I have really properly thought through anything I am doing in my life. 

This blog brings me so much comfort because when I see people I admire so much feeling the same way, I know I must not only be in good company but that I must be doing something right. It's an honor to be growing alongside all of you and to get a look into your own personal journeys with your new jobs, cities, and other big life changes. I may be overwhelmed, but I haven't felt lonely, and that's been huge.

Earlier this week, I cried trying to figure out law school financial aid forms. I spent several working hours on the phone with my mom, and the problems still haven't been resolved. Now I also feel behind on work and worry about looking completely stupid in the meetings I have early this week. I booked travel for a law school visit next month, but my job doesn't even know I applied to law school, and I haven't requested my time off yet because I don't know what to tell them. I know things like this should be extremely simple to navigate and I am making them bigger deals in my head than they really are, which is adding on layers of shame to the stress I already feel.

I question myself every day. If I'm not responsible enough to catch important emails and fill out forms on time, how the hell will I survive law school? Should I have waited until I'm older to apply? I know I wanted an easy and mindless office job in the interim, but couldn't I have found something more fulfilling? I feel like I am wasting my precious time alone in an office all day with no one my age to connect with, and I'm not really using or developing any important skills.

Last weekend I went to see a play that my friend, a professional lighting designer, worked on, and I found myself getting jealous of the ability to do work you really love, even if it is unstable and exhausting and requires a level of risk-tolerance I know I do not have. I had to remind myself it's easy to romanticize from the outside the industry.

I attended a virtual student panel for a law school that's at the top of my list, and some students planning to go into Entertainment Law talked about their experiences. I expected for it to make me excited --- I took Media Law in undergrad and loved it, and UCLA is the top Entertainment Law school in the country! --- but I felt profoundly disappointed after the panel. Don't get me wrong, the opportunities sounded amazing, but it felt sad and wrong to group myself in with people who joked that they could never be on the creative side of things. I've obviously made the choice to enter a field known for endless stacks of boring, contractual paperwork, so it shouldn't have been a surprise to me, but it was the first time it was made clear that my personal creative interests will play a very separate role in my life than my career does going forward.

Through all of this, I've been finding comfort in binge watching The Great British Baking Show. The last time I watched it so fervently was when I was at home feeling lost during the height of the pandemic. Seeing regular people with regular day jobs feeling stressed about seemingly frivolous (but in that moment, very important) things, like getting their marzipan bombe cakes to stay upright, reminds me I'm not unreasonable for feeling all the complicated things I'm feeling right now. I'm sure those people are going back to their jobs in between competition weekends and being chided by their bosses for being distracted and off-task.

Watching the show, as silly as it may be, has also been an impetus for my determination to stay a full person, not compromising my hobbies and interests, my friendships and connections with others, and my personal values in service of fitting more comfortably into the working world. (I know this is a bit of a naïve outlook, but I'm determined to maintain it as long as I can.) If chemists, intelligence analysts, parents, and students can take 10 weekends out of their lives to pursue a personal dream of theirs (and be greatly successful at it), who's to say any of us can't dare to think outside the confines of our 9-to-5s? Through this blog, aren't we already kind of doing that?

Anyways, I've been starting to chip away at my avoided responsibilities by cleaning the bathroom and doing a couple loads of laundry. I might have the lion's share yet to tackle, but I know I'll get it done somehow. No matter all my worries about this week, I know that I'll still be coming home to watch Bake Off each night while making and eating my dinner. And that's enough for me for now.

With teeth, love, and a healthy dollop of stress,

Anika

P.S. A few songs I've been enjoying lately:

• Eartheater's cover of "Chop Suey" by System of a Down
• Anything in Kali Uchis's catalogue, particularly "Endlessly," "Deserve Me," and "Te Mata"
• "Come Meh Way" by Sudan Archives
• "This World Couldn't See Us" by Nabihah Iqbal
• "Chaise Longue" by Wet Leg