Looking back at 2023

    With 2023 coming to a close, I look back at the year and think of all the change and growth I experienced. Here is a recap of the most memorable events of my 2023.

Part One: Boston

    I spent my last semester of college in near-total apathy toward my education and soaked up as much of Boston as I could. Boston was the first place in my adult life that I could intimately call home. I was so fortunate to experience the full spectrum of human emotions in the pure, unfiltered way one does when surrounded by people they love, knowing their experiences will eventually come to an end.

    In early February, I got my first concussion from playing hockey. It was minor, as far as concussions went. But I was out for the rest of the season, and I was devastated. After thirteen years of playing competitive hockey, I had no idea who I was once I couldn’t call myself a student athlete.

    Fortunately, I found peace with BU’s athletic trainers. I am endlessly grateful for the time, energy, and effort they gave to me while I was in recovery. They let me cry and move on from an identity that I held for so long. Now, I realize how lucky I am to have only the best memories associated with hockey. I’ve escaped the worst parts of the sports world with my love for hockey still intact.

    The rest of my semester was wonderful. I still went on trips with my team; my favorite was when we went to Vermont, a weekend so cold that I could feel air crackle in my lungs. I bought a neon orange, fifteen-dollar trapper hat at a gas station and didn’t take it off all weekend. I defied my athletic trainer and played pond hockey with my team. On our return trip, my teammate dropped our van keys down a small but deceptively deep hole and stranded us in New Hampshire for a few hours.*

    Once hockey season ended, I started climbing more. I biked everywhere I could: class, the public library, along the Charles. I celebrated Marmon and ran into ALL of my freshman residents while in Allston (I still cringe at this memory). I ordered a lot of El Jefes after midnight. I elbowed my way on and off crowded trains and buses. I convinced my FitRec climbing coworkers to be in TikToks. I ate cake on the esplanade on sunny days.

    When it came time to graduate, I was ready. Content and fulfilled, I shed my identity as a student and looked toward the future.

Part Two: Grand Teton National Park

The Tetons were breathtakingly beautiful, but also the first and only time I didn’t have the motivation to live.

I decided to leave in early August. When I sent in my letter of resignation I felt like a coward. I pride myself on finishing what I started and have never quit a job before. But I’d begun to wish that something, anything would happen to me so I wouldn’t have to report to work anymore.

    It scared me to think that I’d been backed so far into a corner, I couldn’t imagine another way out. The following week, I packed my things and left.

I look back at my time in the Tetons without regret. I made a handful of friends there, and we swam in Jackson Lake every day. I loved looking into the night sky and seeing thousands of stars. I loved catching frogs and poking under rocks for ants. I loved listening to thunder roll across the sky. But I caught a glimpse of what it’s like to work for the government, and for me, National Parks are best to just visit.

Part Three: Seattle

    After going home for a few weeks to recover from my stint in Wyoming, I left for Seattle. I moved into a house with an old high school classmate and his college friends and started working at a climbing gym.

    I was lonely for most of the first three months. Despite loving the Pacific Northwest, gawking at every moss-covered rock, and bringing home leaves the size of my head, I was in a completely unfamiliar environment once again, navigating new relationships and the treacherous, terrifying hills of Seattle on my own. And perhaps because of these changes, I finally realized that I’d been struggling with anxiety for years.

    Coming to terms with having anxiety was a huge relief as I finally had the vocabulary to explain many of my thought patterns and fears. Over these few months, I’ve gotten a lot better at recognizing fear-based thinking and practicing how to manage it; I look forward to getting even better at it with time.

    Despite my anxiety, I still managed to put down a few roots in Seattle. I am glad to get along with my housemates, as they have gone with me to get groceries, climb, and run other errands when I am too nervous to do it alone. I had a rocky relationship with the Kraken adult league hockey where I am trying to bring more attention to the toxicity of male-dominated hockey. I hope to be persistent enough to make changes to the league. Otherwise, I’ve made connections with the Seattle Women’s Hockey Club and they’ve invited me to coach for them starting in January, which I am looking forward to. I am also joining their Division 1 hockey league and will report back soon with my thoughts.

    I’m a lot stronger at climbing, and I’ve known my coworkers long enough now to hang out with them outside of work. I’ve gone with them to their favorite dive bars, ramen restaurants, and bookstores, so I’m slowly piecing together a Seattle for myself. I’m braver now that the city feels less unfamiliar.

    I wonder how long it will take for Seattle to come alive for me as Boston did, if I’ll know the moment it happens or recognize it only after I’ve moved away.

    I think of the chapters of my life and experiences as individual puzzle pieces that I’ll eventually be able to put together. All my contradictory goals and desires will make sense someday, and in the meantime, I’m just gathering knowledge.

    This year I’ve learned to be much more present and not think so much about what will happen down the line. I’ve learned to love my family more and value human connection over material achievements. I am trying to embrace every emotion I feel.

    Regardless of where I move, there will always be ups and downs; each place will bring growth, struggles, and friends. I can go anywhere, anytime – it’s a liberating and terrifying feeling. My life is fully within my control.

    Thank you all for being a part of my year! And as always, onward!

    With teeth and love,

    Hanna

Checklist for 2024:

1. Learn how to surf
2. Visit California
3. Get more tattoos

*My mom read my draft and asked how we got the van key out. Offending teammate Ubered to Home Depot to buy a ball of twine and a very strong magnet. After tying the string to the magnet, we all took turns throwing the magnet down the hole until it stuck to the key. The euphoric high of our success carried us through the rest of the drive back to campus.