if any of my coworkers read this, no you didn’t

    Hello EN502! Apologies for being AWOL these past couple months, life has been a little crazy. Since the last time I posted in June, my job offer was rescinded a week later, I was unemployed for three months, came dangerously close to expiring my work visa, got a last-minute internship to keep me afloat, and just yesterday received another job offer from the very same company that sent me on this tailspin in the first place. I’m also probably going to accept it, because the job market is hell, and part-time, underqualified-bio-major, barely-hanging-on-to-their-work-visa beggars can’t be choosers.

    I also managed to sign a lease and move into a nice little two-bedroom in Cambridge. I have a roommate, and though there are the usual growing pains (fraught negotiations over the dishes, the fridge, and how to share the TV when we like none of the same things), I think things are going to be ok.

    Back to the job thing, it’s been so weird being in a corporate workplace for the first time. It’s one of those open-concept modern-minimalist startups where the entire office is in an area so big and plain it feels like you could convert it into a rave space or a soccer pitch at a moment's notice if you were so inclined, but you’re also, despite all that, less than a foot away from your neighbors in every direction.

    I felt so exposed and out of my depth and I felt like everyone could see it on my face all the time. To try and hide that, I was wearing slacks and blouses to work and setting up a dual monitor I didn’t need and clocking in at 8 even though the soonest anyone else got into work was 9. That last thing was really the icing on the cake considering it’s an hour commute to Waltham and I’m only a morning person in the sense that I go to bed in the AM.

    To give you an idea of how nervous I was, on my first day, my supervisor left early at 9 and forgot to give me any tasks, but I didn’t want people to think I was weird so I stayed from 8 until 5, then got so bored started playing sudoku on my laptop, then got paranoid people would see me slacking off with sudoku on my laptop so I started hand drawing the puzzles in a notebook thinking that would make me look less suspicious. I know.

    It’s kind of funny that it's only now when I’m about to quit that I realize how much I was overthinking. Nobody cares what time you clock in or out. People just dip at random times and message “i’m going to be work from home for the rest of the day” on Slack. There’s a lead engineer who shows up in a ratty t-shirt and sweats. Absolutely zero people give a shit what you do on your stupidly big monitor, and I know that because I’ve been typing this post for the past half hour next to the CTO at our little ergonomic desk thing and he hasn’t said squat. Everyone’s got their own stuff to deal with, and they’re not going to spend their precious time going Big Brother on other people, least of all on the intern.

    Also, I don’t think most of them even know I am an intern. Someone in the break area (not break room, because again, open-concept hellspace) came up to me yesterday and said –very politely, after a brief introduction, but nevertheless said–

    “Yeah you kinda just showed up one day and nobody knows who you are.”

    Looking back, when I started I basically avoided speaking to anybody, just skittishly smiling and nodding when I made eye contact as I clocked in and out. And I think the one time I actually did introduce myself to someone I accidentally said my name was Kevin. Kevin. While I was having my internal imposter syndrome anxiety freakout, everyone else just saw a freaky new coworker who never spoke or looked at anyone, who nobody could figure out what job they had, and who may or may not be named Kevin.

    Yikes.

    Anyway, all that aside I’ve actually been doing pretty well! Lots of other stuff happened, but I think this has gone on long enough. Now that I’m a little more settled, I’m going to hopefully update more frequently. Also, I’m caught up on all your posts, and it’s great to see everyone learning and growing and living. You guys make me laugh and cry and commiserate and remind me that I’m not alone and that we’re all muddling through our adulthood together.

    On my end, I’ve learned my lesson and I’m hoping I get off to a better start at my next job. And I've decided that once I have insurance again I need to really get back on my anxiety medication.

Yours with teeth, love, and not nearly enough Lexapro,

JC